Abusive Mum Dies, With One Last Trick

Hi Scott,

I’m in a pickle. My brother and I are close, and we stopped talking to our Mum about 7 years ago after years of pretty severe abuse by her. We heard about 2 years ago she had an incurable disease, and just found out that she has now passed away.

The issue is, our Mum met a man a few weeks before being diagnosed and then married him. We don’t know this man, but he will be the sole beneficiary of everything she has, including a house she inherited from our late grandmother, also after our Mum was diagnosed.

My brother and I don’t think it’s right that this man gets everything - we never wanted to stop speaking to our Mum, but unfortunately that’s how life went. And I know - we already wiped our hands clean of her years ago, and could do the same with her assets. But it just doesn’t feel right. Where do we even begin?

Casey

Hi Casey,

I'm sorry you're going through this. You should listen to your gut. This timeline has more red flags than a Chinese Embassy. Let me tick them off: Mum meets man. Gets an incurable diagnosis. Marries him. Inherits Grandma's house. Dies. Leaves everything to a stranger.

That's bonkers!

So I ran this past my lawyer, Dr Brett Davies from Legal Consolidated. 

Here's what you can challenge:

First, the will could be dodgy: Did she have mental capacity while battling disease? Was she unduly influenced by this bloke? Courts can bin dodgy wills.

Second, the will could be unfair. Even if valid, you can argue for adequate provision. Courts say parents have a moral duty to provide for their kids, regardless of relationship.

Finally, the sleeper issue is your grandmother’s house. Get your grandmother’s will immediately. She may have only given your mum a life interest, the right to live there, not own it. If so, it automatically comes to you and your brother, not this stranger.

So here’s what I want you to do: get both wills, the marriage certificate, and title deeds. Find a deceased estate litigation lawyer through your state’s Law Society (you need courtroom brawlers, not gentlemanly will-writers). You've got six to 12 months from death or probate. Miss it and your claim dies.

Honestly, these fights are expensive and ugly. Have a meeting with your lawyer, understand your position, then you and your brother can decide together.

You've already survived years of abuse. If this will consume the next two years of your life, you have every right to walk away. You don't need to fight her anymore. You're free.

Peace be with you.

Scott

My Dead Bros Debts

Dear Scott,

Three weeks ago, my younger brother died. He’d been living in an aged care home for mentally ill people run by St. Vincent’s hospital in Melbourne. Now they’ve sent me a bill for $12,000 in unpaid accommodation costs. I have never signed to take responsibility for him.  In fact his money affairs are handled by state trustees. As his elder sister, do I have to pay this debt?

Jenny

Hi Jenny,

I’m really sorry for your loss.

That’s junk mail: you are not liable for your brother’s debts.

Forward it on to the State Trustees, who can pay it if there is any money in his estate.

If there’s not, it will be written off.

Scott

Trust Fund Kids Blow Up

Scott,

I’m 72 and have had hard-won success in business. I’ve got four adult kids aged between 23 and 35. They’ll inherit around $80 million when I die, but none of them are serious about money. My son lost $100,000+ on crypto. My eldest has been in and out of rehab. My daughter wants me to fund a fashion label, despite having zero business experience.

I love my kids, but I was too busy making money. I thought they’d learn through osmosis. Clearly not. I don’t want to rule from the grave, but I’m terrified they’ll blow it all within a few years of me being gone. Yet, if they could be convinced, they could grow the pie and live off it forever. My question is, should I hand it over to advisors to work with them now?

Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

If you hand it to advisors to manage, there’s a good chance they’ll be sacked the day after your funeral. I’ve seen it happen. Your kids will fire their financial babysitter the first chance they get.

They’re like lotto winners. What they really need to learn is how to keep the money they didn’t earn, and that’s a skill very few trust fund kids ever master.

Take Cornelius Vanderbilt. In the 1800s he built one of the world’s great fortunes, worth roughly $200 billion in today’s money, and warned his kids not to blow it. Within a few generations they’d built mansions bigger than hotels and couldn’t afford the plumbing bills. By their 1973 family reunion, not one was even a millionaire.

That’s the curse of unearned wealth. It doesn’t just get spent badly, it often destroys the people who inherit it.

I don’t know your kids. Maybe your daughter will build the next Zimmermann, and maybe your son has learned his crypto lesson. But history says the odds aren’t good.

So here’s what I’d do.

I’d buy each child a modest home, say up to $1.25 million including stamps. That gives them security, but they still have to get out of bed to pay the rates. That’s $5 million total, which is life changing, but not life ruining.

Then I’d make your real legacy the next decade. Spend time mentoring them. Get them involved in your business, fund their study, have them run small charitable projects, maybe even that fashion label, but with you watching closely.

After that, leave the rest to a cause you care about. You could involve your kids in it, but tread carefully. I’ve met plenty of trust fund kids who resent giving away what they see as their money.

Warren Buffett put it best: “A very rich person should leave his kids enough to do anything, but not enough to do nothing.”

The hardest financial lesson for your kids isn’t learning about compound interest. It’s that choices have consequences. And that’s a lesson money can’t buy.

Scott

Buy Me a Pony

I knew this day was coming … and yet I still wasn't prepared.

“Daddy, I really, really want a pony”, said my seven-year-old, batting her eyelids at me, a mirror image of my wife.

“There is absolutely NO WAY we are getting a glorified Gucci goat!” I said confidently to myself.

However, for some strange reason I heard myself saying, “Orr-right, let’s have a look on Gumtree”.

After all, we have sheep, cattle, alpacas, chooks, cats, dogs, and four kids — what’s the harm in adding a wombat on stilts to the mix?

The first listing was a Shetland pony named Trixie. The price? “Free to a good home.”

That was the first red flag.

Trixie looked a lot like Grandad after two horsey laps around the lounge with my four-year-old on top.

When I told my personal assistant Kathryn about my daughter’s pony project, she squealed with delight.

Kathryn is a ‘horsey person’. Whenever I ask her about her weekend, she invariably talks about her show pony, which (as far as I can tell) is like toddlers in tiaras but with horses.

However, her smile quickly faded when I showed her Trixie.

“A good pony will cost you $10,000”, she said, screwing up her nose.

“Well, that's not so …”, I began.

“Plus you’ll need to spend around $1,500 a year on pellets and lucerne. You’ll also need a farrier to trim its feet every six weeks, plus an annual teeth check, vaccines, wormers – let's call it $2,500 a year.”

“Okay, but if we just …”, I tried.

“... and you'll need a saddle, a bridle, and of course a horse float to drive it to the pony club. But these are all things you can get on Gumtree … allow, say, $10,000.”

“This is soooo exciting, boss!" she said, clapping her hands and beaming.

“Yes it is, Kathryn!” I replied, watching my wallet gallop off into the sunset.

And that’s when I had a thought that made me feel like I’d dodged a kick in the goolies from Trixie: 

Instead of dropping $25,000 on a commitment that eats, poops, and needs its teeth filed (heck, I already have four kids), I’ll hire Kathryn's pony for my daughter to ride any weekend she wants, for $100 a trot.

My daughter gets her pony fix, Kathryn earns some extra hay money, and I don't have to explain to my accountant why ‘pony maintenance’ is now a line item in our budget.

Win-win.

Giddyup!

Tread Your Own Path!

Old Dog, Bad Tricks

Hi Scott,

My dear mum turned 70 last year and is in a concerning situation. Dad has always been frugal, but I have just found out he has put Mum in a really tight spot. She can’t claim the pension because Dad is still working and earning well. So she’s dipping into her superannuation for everyday expenses like fuel and groceries. Apart from paying some household bills, Dad contributes nothing. They own a paid-off house by the beach. 

Mum worked for over 40 years, took time off to raise us three kids, and worked part time to support us. Mum can’t enjoy her retirement because she’s paying for living expenses from her dwindling super while her employed husband contributes nothing. If Dad loves Mum, why aren’t they sharing an equal pot of money? Do they need financial counselling or couples counselling?

Sue-Ellen

Hi Sue-Ellen,

Your dad isn’t being frugal – he’s being a total prick.

Your mum raised a family, worked for decades and, like so many women her age, ended up with bugger-all super. Now, at 70, she’s using what little she has left just to buy groceries, while your dad keeps working and pockets every cent for himself.

That’s not right.

Sue-Ellen, this is about your old man using money to control your mum. And the fact that it’s been this way for decades doesn’t excuse it … it actually shows just how deep the pattern runs with these two.

But here’s the tricky part: if you confront him, at best he’ll probably tell you to butt out. At worst, he’ll get his back up and dig in harder, and you’ll have strained your relationship with him.

So you need to be smart about this.

Your mum doesn’t need a financial counsellor (well, not yet at least). She needs to encourage him to go with her and see a couples counsellor, someone who can help put this dynamic on the table and gently call it what it is:

Coercive control, which is another name for financial abuse.

Scott

Our First Marital Spat

Hey Barefoot!

My husband and I have had our first marital spat. Ironically, over whether to insure my engagement ring. He knows that I’m pretty hopeless with my belongings, but now after four years of not losing it I've made a case to reallocate the $550 annual insurance fee elsewhere. Please mediate and help us decide whether to insure or not to insure!

Sarah

Hi Sarah

You’re insuring a ring for $550 a year?  

It must have so many carrots the Easter Bunny has put it on his wish list.

Now I’m sure you understand this, but you’re fighting about something that is purely emotional. It’s not logical to wear the price of a second-hand HiLux on your finger ... but hey, no judgement.  

Welcome to marriage!

Most home and contents insurance policies already cover your ring – but only up to a certain amount, often just $1,000. If your rock’s worth more (say, $10,000), you’ll need to specify it on your policy and cough up for the higher premium. That means getting a valuation certificate and jumping through a few hoops. It sounds like that’s what you’ve done.

Now, let’s get practical.  

If you rarely take the ring off, and don’t live in Purf, there’s a very good chance you’ll never lose it.

However, let’s look at the worst case scenario and you do lose it.

You’ll feel terrible. Your husband will be angry (and he’ll very likely use it as ‘exhibit A’ in any future fights you have).

Will you rush out and buy the exact same ring? 

Maybe. 

Will replacing it make you feel better? 

I don’t think so. That’s a sunk cost – both financial and emotional.

My advice? 

Save the insurance money. Instead, each year spend that money on booking a cheeky Airbnb, share a bottle of red, and toast to a lab-grown diamond if the worst happens. Cheaper, shinier, and no ethical guilt. And remember: the size of the rock has nothing to do with the strength of your marriage. (But correctly stacking the dishwasher? That’s another story.)

Scott

Should I Marry a Kind Loser?

Scott,

I have my own company that’s worth a bit of money, and I own my own home and car. I earn $250,000 a year. However, I’ve been dating a guy for about two years who doesn’t have anything. He earns the minimum wage, can’t save, and is consistently struggling. Everyone I know keeps telling me to leave him. Yet he is the kindest soul and my best friend – he’s had a really rough upbringing and just keeps hitting bad luck. Still, I’m scared he is going to live off my back the rest of my life. I’m 30 now, and I want to get married. But should money be the deciding factor in this relationship?

Mary

Hi Mary

Let me be clear: I’m a finance guy, not a relationship coach.

To me, dating is like shopping at IKEA: everything looks cute and stylish under those soft Scandinavian lights. You stroll through the aisles, picturing how perfect it’ll be in your home.

Marriage is like dragging the flatpack home, realising the instructions make no sense, and discovering – halfway through assembly – that you’re missing three screws and the whole thing is lopsided.

Right now, your guy is that wobbly, half-built Billy bookcase – no savings, no financial stability, and no clear plan. Maybe he can pull himself together. Yet you’re not his Allen key, Mary. 

If he truly loves you, he’ll prove it. Hand him The Barefoot Investor and give him three months to get a better job, start saving, and show he’s serious about building a future with you. What if he can’t?

Well, you know what to do with wonky furniture that won’t stand up on its own – dump it on the nature strip and move on.

Scott

The Uncomfortable Wife

Hi Scott,

I own my home, have five of my own children still at home, and recently married a second time. My new husband does not want to combine our money or have the same accounts, and he wants to keep everything separate. He has no assets, savings or superannuation. He works on commission, and he is 10 years off retirement age. He contributes here and there, but l feel uncomfortable. Should l get a prenup now? 

Felicity

Hi Felicity,

This ain’t your first rodeo … so why are you acting like a rodeo clown?

You may think this guy is a puny pony, but he is every bit the bucking bronco:

He has no assets, no savings, no super, no reliable income … and no plan. 

My worry is that he’s likely to turn around one day and decide to launch you into the cheap seats. 

After all, he says he wants to keep money separate – yet he enjoys the use of your assets and doesn’t contribute consistently?

Easy, horsey!

It’s time you pull the reins in on this bloke and lovingly drive your spurs deep into his guts. 

Here’s how:

Book in to see a family lawyer today.  

Now, you can’t get a prenup after you’re married! So the legal document you need is a Binding Financial Agreement (BFA) – and you should absolutely get one. Also, update your will and estate plan to protect your kids. 

Felicity, you do not need permission to protect yourself and your kids. Enjoy the ride.

Scott.

My Mother Is Acting Like a Teenager

Hi Scott,

I’m nearly 18 and the only one bringing in money for my family. Mum’s been out of work for 17 years – tried a job but quit due to bullying. Dad pays minimal child support and, despite cutting costs, we’re drowning in bills. Mum ‘borrowed’ $1,700 from my savings, leaving me with $2,100, and now she and my sister want to start a clothing business. I’ve started a part-time job, but I feel pressured to cover our expenses. I get $200 a fortnight from Centrelink and I’m expecting a $20,000 injury payout that I wanted to invest. I love Mum, and she’s sacrificed so much, but I’m about to start uni and I have my own goals. How do I support my family without sacrificing my future?

Kelly

Hi Kelly

First of all, I just want to take a moment to recognise how awesome and mature you are: there are very few 18-year-olds who would have the insight and emotional intelligence to write me a letter like you’ve just done. 

Now it sounds like the roles are reversed in your household: your mum is acting like a teenager and you are playing the role of the responsible adult. That’s a lot to take on, but I have the sense that you’re up to the challenge, Kelly.

Here’s what I’d suggest.

First, protect that payout. A $20,000 windfall at your age is life-changing. Consider sticking it in a locked-off term deposit, or in a low-cost share index fund, where it’s out of reach but still growing. Whatever you do, don’t let guilt drain it away.

Second, sit down with your mum and lay out the hard truth: you’re going to uni, you’re not funding the household anymore, and she needs a real job, not a business gamble.

Finally, you’re about to start your adult life. Set up your Barefoot Buckets, save aggressively, and focus on uni. Helping isn’t giving your family money – it’s showing them what real financial responsibility looks like.

Good luck!

Scott.

My Boyfriend’s Addiction Has Cost Us $30,000

Dear Barefoot,

I’m 25, and I’m really worried about how much my partner has lost on cars. He loves them, and I used to love that too – until his latest purchase, a $30,000 sporty luxury car (bought with a personal loan), turned into a financial nightmare. Expensive insurance, high running costs, and a brutal commute wore it down, then the engine blew – costing us $9,000. We cut our losses, bought a more practical (but still fun) VW Golf, and listed the old car for sale, but no one’s biting. We’ve dropped the price below $19,000, but we’re getting lowballed, and I’m terrified we’ll lose close to $30,000 overall. To top it off, he thinks I should buy my own car because I can’t drive a manual. I love him but I feel so helpless. I’ve always been frugal, and seeing this much money vanish hurts. Can you please tell me it’s going to be okay? 

Heather

Hi Heather,

Your partner is acting like my four-year-old, who spends all his pocket money on Tonka trucks (though at least he pays with his pocket money, rather than taking out personal loans like your partner does).

Now there is something your petrolhead partner probably knows … that he isn’t telling you:

This is possibly the worst year to be selling a second-hand car. 

That’s because right now a flood of second-hand vehicles is overwhelming the market, with the Australian Automotive Dealer Association (AADA) reporting a surge in listings but a sharp drop in sales. Cars are currently sitting on the market for nearly 49 days, and the AADA says 2025 is shaping up to be a bloodbath for sellers.

So, what to do?

Well, I think it’s time for your little boy to pack up his toys. This car needs to go, yesterday. I don’t care what he ‘believes it’s worth’ – he clearly ain’t an expert, and it’s a rapidly depreciating hunk of metal. So, if I were in your shoes, I’d drop the price aggressively, sell it, and clear as much of that loan as possible. If he still owes money on the loan, he needs to work his backside off to cover the difference.

Finally, let’s talk about you for a second. You say you’re frugal, yet you’re watching your financial future get torched. You can’t build wealth when your partner is setting it on fire, Heather. 

So, on your next Date Night you need to sit down, lay out the numbers, and have a genuine conversation about the fact that one of your core values is financial security. If he’s not willing to change, you might need to consider a trade-in of your own.

Oh, and one last thing: he thinks you should buy a car? 

No. You should learn to drive a manual. Problem solved – at zero cost!

Scott.

My Brother-in-Law is a Parasite – Help!

Scott,

My brother-in-law has it sorted – he has a mail-order bride, kids, and he’s living rent-free with my mother-in-law. Every Christmas and birthday, they expect us to buy them top-tier Apple gear (we once got their 10-year-old a $2,000 iPad Pro). When we stopped funding their wishlist, he just blew his own money – then came to us for car repairs and other essentials. I gave him a copy of your book, thinking it would help. He promptly asked for $10,000 to ‘invest’ in the stockmarket, which he has now lost. Recently I offered to pay him to do some odd jobs for me on the weekend he refused. Sadly, ceasing contact with said brother-in-law is not an option due to cultural issues which promote familial harmony. Do you have any suggestions?

Emma

Hi Emma,

Oh yes, I have suggestions.

Look, parasites thrive on guilt and obligation – which of course is code for ‘family harmony’. He doesn’t want your help – he wants a handout.

My view?

You’ve got to make peace with the fact that saying ‘no’ doesn’t make you a bad person – it just makes you someone who refuses to be financially manipulated. In other words, it’s time to bust out the bum chocolate (or combantrin, that’s what my kids call it anyway).

So the next time he comes asking for money, tell him:

“We’re always here to support family, but real support means helping each other stand on our own two feet. We’re happy to offer opportunities, but not cash.”

Will that work?

Yes, if you stick to your guns. 

But beware: once he realises you’re no longer the easiest meal, he’ll move on to someone else in your family (good for you,  bad for them). Because that’s the thing about parasites: they don’t starve – they just find another host.

Scott.

Should I Call Off My Wedding?

Hi Scott,
 
I’m blindsided but I am in love. I’ve just discovered my fiancé has $9,000 of debt he accrued overspending on Afterpay and Uber Eats over a two-year period. He consolidated this debt into a loan (at 17.5% interest!) and I only found out when I opened a piece of mail from a bank neither of us use (or so I thought). I’m not sure what to do. I’m not going ahead with the wedding now, so we’ve likely lost $10,000 in deposits, and we have $14,000 in savings. For context, we live in a three-bedroom townhouse that I own. I don’t know whether to try and make it work or cut my losses and run. Please help!

Renata
 
Hi Renata
 
I know your type.
 
You really value financial security.
 
That’s why you own your home. That’s why you’ve already calculated how much backing out of the wedding will cost you. And it’s also why you’re asking me – a finance dude with no shoes – if you should call off your wedding, rather than, say, a relationship counsellor.
 
However, I don’t know your fiancé’s type … but you love him, so I’m willing to cut him some slack. After all, maybe he racked up the Afterpay and Uber Eats debts wining and dining you?
 
Like you, perhaps he’s also blindsided by love, but he just so happens to be clueless about money (which would make him a card-carrying Aussie).
 
My view?
 
Let’s give love a chance.
 
If you haven’t done it already, I’d sit down and paint him a picture of what your ‘happily ever after’ looks like. Go into all the scary details: a paid-off home, a million-dollar super fund, private schools for the kids.
 
And then smash him with the following line:
 
“I do not want to marry you if we’re not on the same page financially.”
 
Of course, there’s every chance this poor shell-shocked bastard will agree to whatever you say.
 
So, it’s then that I’d bust out my book and ask him to read it. If he takes it on board, sets up the Barefoot Date Nights, and starts aggressively paying down his debts, you’ll know your financial values are aligned.

 But what if he doesn’t do the work? Well, he’s shown you what he values, and you can both move on and find people who are your types.

Scott.

Should We Forgive Our Prodigal Son?

Hi Scott,
 
My husband and I loaned our son and his partner, who have two small children, $30,000 as a deposit on a house. At the time we explained to them that we were not well off, that we were still paying off our own mortgage, that the money was to help them secure a home, and that they could eventually pay us back using their own house as collateral.  
 
 Well, they squandered it (we still don’t really know what on) and my son is very remorseful, though his partner not so much. So no house and $30,000 gone! My husband and I are now at odds – he says our son has to be accountable and pay it back. I’m feeling awful about it all and just want the old relationship with my son back, so I want to write off the loan as a gift (albeit ill spent) and move on with our life. Hubs says a firm NO. So, should we forgive and forget, or make them scrimp and save to pay it back over countless years?
 
Loving Mum

Hello Loving Mum
 
Oh, I really feel for you.
 
All you were trying to do was help your son, and it’s not only strained your relationship with him but is causing friction in your own marriage … and to top it off it’s cost you thirty grand!
 
So what do I think?
 
I think you should sit down with your husband and let him know that you agree it’s time you put yourselves first. After all, this is clearly eating you both up inside (a lot more than it is your son, or he’d be paying it off!).
 
I would also suggest to your hubby that the quickest way to get rid of this ugly angry feeling is to forgive the loan and move on – not for your son’s sake, but for yours. After all, you’re still grandparents to his kids, and he’s still your son.
 
But never, ever loan him another cent.

Scott.

For love, not money

Dear Scott,
 
I am a 58-year-old woman. I own an apartment in Sydney with about $1 million in equity and have $200,000 in super, though I have no savings. For the past 20 years I have run a reasonably successful small business. Two years ago I married a rich older Asian guy, eight years my senior. His offer on the table was that he pays for pretty much all my day-to-day expenses, and when he dies I will inherit his monthly (ex-diplomat) pension of US$5,000 per month until the day I die! We live half at his place in Asia (I run the business remotely) and half at mine in Sydney. He does not want to combine any assets, nor move to Australia, and he wants to keep his assets and cash separate as all this will go to his daughter and grandson.
 
Yet now I’m jack of spending half the year in Asia at his house, and I want to move to Sydney, pay off my mortgage, find a lower cost home in rural Australia, and settle. He will not contribute to this move. Should I see a financial accountant or a family lawyer, or both?
 
The Wanderer
 
Hi Wanderer
 
Your husband has an old-school defined benefit pension (which defines the payout: $US5,000 a month, probably increasing with inflation, for the rest of his life … or to his surviving partner). They’re so generous that almost no employers offer them now. Still, most of these plans are very clear: if you are not classified as his de facto when he kicks the bucket, you won’t be entitled to receive his pension.
 
Come to think of it, that would be a very attractive thing to put on a Tinder profile:
 
“89-year-old seeks fun-loving hot 25-year-old. I like long wheelchair pushes along the beach … and when I kick the bucket I can offer you a $5,000 a month pension, indexed to inflation, for the rest of your life.”
 
OH BEHAVE, BAREFOOT!
 
Hey, I’m just pointing out that there’s a lot of hungry young people doing OnlyFans earning a lot less.
 
All jokes aside. You’ve got a million bucks and, in your words, a decent business that affords you a decent living. You’ve got 20 (or so) years to do whatever the hell you want to do. So my advice would be to only stay with him if you love him – don’t do it just for the money.
 
After all, the old bugger might end up outliving you!

Scott.

My Husband Has Been an Addict for 31 Years

Hi Scott,
 
My partner and I, both in our mid-forties, have been Barefooters for years. We live in the outer south-eastern suburbs of Melbourne and have two kids, aged 10 and 13. We should have our mortgage paid off within the next two years, currently have no other debts, and have discussed plans to invest in Vanguard. My partner is focused on eliminating debt and growing our financial future but, sadly, he is not ‘investing’ in his physical health. He’s now heading into his 31st year of smoking and doesn’t want to give it up. I’m hoping you might be able to provide him with the motivation – for financial reasons – to butt out for good!
 
Bella
 
Hey Bella!
 
I’ve had a lot of experience helping addicts, so let me tell you the bad news first:
 
Beating them up about how much money they’re wasting on their drug of choice will not only not work; it will more than likely stress them out and make them use more!
 
To a non-addicted brain, this sounds completely ludicrous, but not to anyone who is in a pit of addiction.
 
This is as true for those who are sending thousands of dollars up in smoke as it is for gambling addicts losing hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
 
What would I do?
 
Well, it sounds simple: if you treat the addiction the money will sort itself out.
 
And how the hell do you do that after 31 years of smoking?
 
Easy.
 
First, in the Father’s Day cards get your two kids to write about how much they love their dad, but also how afraid they are that he’ll get sick and be lost to them.
 
Second, get your kids to buy him a very special Father’s Day present:
 
Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Quit Smoking Without Willpower
 
(This book has 7,680 reviews on Amazon with a 4.6 star rating and has been around in various forms for 40 years.)
 
Finally, give him the peace and quiet to read the book.  
 
Health is the ultimate form of wealth.
 
Good luck!

Scott.

Trouble on the menu

Dear Scott,
 
I am a single divorcee, recently retired at 70 with about $650,000 in super after selling my inner-city house and relocating to the far north coast of NSW. My son is 37 and absolutely passionate about his chosen career as a chef, at which he is excelling. He used to talk about opening his own restaurant, but this hasn't been mentioned for a while. 
 
My ex-brother-in-law (a real estate agent) is trying to convince me to go into partnership with my son in a restaurant by gifting/loaning him $100,000 out of my super, saying that we will both make a motza. But I am really concerned about this for several reasons: Firstly, I’m pretty sure it would take a lot more than that to open a new restaurant! Secondly, my son and I are in a good place now (after some rocky times) and I don’t want to spoil that with the possible stresses of a business partnership. Lastly, I want to spend time travelling, and I don't feel that I can afford to lose that $100,000 if things were to go pear-shaped.

I trust my son with the money and I know absolutely that he would do his best, but I also know that hospitality is not all roses at any time. Am I being reasonable or simply overcautious?

Cautious mum

Hi Cautious Mum
 
You’re doing me out of a job!
 
Literally, I couldn’t have answered your question any better than you just did.
 
Do not doubt yourself … you are 100% right.
 
The only thing I’d add is to remind your ex-brother-in-law that he’s an EX for a reason – and to butt out of your business!

Scott.

My Wife Found the Lord … But Not a Job

Hi Scott,
 
My short question is this:
 
Is it legal for a partner to refuse to get work? And who can I turn to if they continue to refuse to get work?
 
The longer question:
 
When we got married, my wife gave up her well-paying job for us to start a family. Our plan was for her to give up work, then return to work when the children were in school full time.
 
Fast forward six years, both the kids are in school full time, and I’ve asked her about getting a job. She refuses to get one, but has spent the last four years doing various TAFE courses. Also, while studying she got heavily involved with a church. During this time her commitment to the church was far superior to her commitment to her family, with her often attending church activities and leaving me and the kids at home late into the night.
 
The house is a pigsty and we haven’t had guests over for at least five years. I’m mentally stressed from being the sole breadwinner, as well as consistently looking after the children. If I leave, I’ll potentially lose the house and assets I've paid for (she brought nothing financially to the relationship). And she point blank refuses to participate in any marriage or financial counselling. Where can I turn?
 
Dennis
 
Hi Dennis
 
The short answer is, no it’s obviously not illegal for a partner to refuse to work!
 
I’m not a relationship counsellor, but one thing I can tell you: whatever decision you come to, don’t make it based on money.
 
There is a lot to unpack here … yet I don’t think your wife getting a job will solve your problems.
 
Your real problem is that you’re living in an unhappy marriage where your wife is getting at least some of her needs met by her faith and the church rather than you.
 
So the real question you need to ask yourself is this:
 
Are you willing to try and improve the relationship … or are you too bitter, twisted and hurt?
 
The only person that can answer this question is you. And even if you do decide to try and improve your relationship – perhaps by going to church with her – there’s obviously no guarantees from her side. If you come to the conclusion that the relationship is cooked, that’s your main concern … not the money.

Scott.

My Mother has a Lover

Hi Scott
 
My mother has been sending large amounts of money to a holiday fling for the last 14 years. She has almost lost her home, she’s drawn on her super, and I fear she will be in dire straits soon if this continues. It happened like this: in 2010 she met a young Casanova in Egypt, and a holiday fling quickly became a business partnership. My mother has zero business experience. She’s borrowed against her home to fund some outlandish ideas. She has been back a number of times and has seen where her money has gone – apparently! I’m not sure whether it was the car manufacturing plant or the haute couture fashion house. I wish I was kidding – these are examples of their ‘ventures’. Despite 14 years, hundreds of thousands of dollars and zero return, she’s even more optimistic now. In reality she is a teacher struggling to find a permanent position because she is past retirement age, is burdened with debts she can no longer afford, and has enough super to keep her until Christmas this year. And she will not listen to my concerns! I was hoping this was something I could report to the relevant authorities so they can intervene before she loses everything.
 
Linda
 
Hi Linda
 
That sounds like one hell of an expensive shag!
 
Still, you can’t call the cops. From the sounds of it, he’s not doing anything illegal (immoral perhaps, but not illegal). And you’ve tried talking sense to her, but clearly after 14 years that hasn’t worked.
 
So what can you do?
 
Well, you need to protect yourself emotionally and financially.
 
I’d suggest writing a letter to your mum explaining how much you love her and how concerned you are for her financially. Then detail the likely consequences of her actions. Paint her a picture of what her retirement will look like. How will she service her debts when she’s too old to work?
 
Understand her debts will die with her: you won’t inherit them … but that also means you won’t inherit any dough from her either. So double down on your Barefoot plan!

Scott

Nervous Wife

Hi Scott,
 
My husband and I are both in our mid-forties and have a combined income of $210,000. We have paid off our mortgage, and we lease our cars through my husband’s work as part of a salary sacrifice program. We have no other debt and around $75,000 in savings. We have been paying extra into superannuation, and when he retires from his job as a firefighter he will retire with a lump sum payment that will be more than adequate.
 
But now my husband wants to invest in day trading, and has been doing a trading course to ‘educate’ himself. I’m not very investment savvy and would definitely be the more money cautious out of the two of us. This seems a bit risky to me, but when I say this he tells me that we need to make our money “work for us”. Do you think day trading is a smart way of making our money work, or can you suggest something else that we should consider?
 
Nervous Wife.

Dear Nervous Wife,
 
Ding! Ding! Ding!
 
I’m hearing a fire alarm, and your firefighting, risk-taking hubby is running towards the danger. The only problem is that if he begins day trading it’s your money that he’s going to set on fire.
 
Look, some of the savviest day traders I know have gone broke more than a few times. And these days it’s even harder because you’re trading against AI bots. It’s just not a game you can reliably win.
 
Allow me just one last analogy: you two have reached the top of the mountain. Yet, instead of sitting back and enjoying the view, your husband has pulled on a snowboard and is doing some tricks for some extra kicks. That’s crazy.
 
I’d gently remind him that your money is working for you, via your superannuation. I’d focus on how much you need to contribute to it to live comfortably. Once that is set up, I’d get him busy thinking about all the exciting things he could be doing with his time, rather than risking his money.
 
Enjoy the view, don’t let him screw it up!

Scott.

So My Wife Has a Boyfriend …

Hi Scott,

I was reading your article ‘So My Husband Has a Lady Friend’ from last week, and it struck me that this is exactly my story. Except it’s me, the husband, who has discovered his wife is having ‘catch-ups’ with her ex-boyfriend from before we met. I’m gutted. She is already talking about getting her name off joint accounts and is asking about separate bank accounts. I’m very worried because I run my own business and don’t know how this will affect it, as well as the equity we’ve built up in our home (we have put most of the retained profits from the business into the mortgage). Is there any advice you can give dads out there, as this doesn’t only happen to women – it can happen to hardworking, loving, supportive blokes too.
 
Terry
 
Hi Terry
 
Thank you so much for reaching out to me – I can’t imagine how tough this would be for you.
 
So let me be blunt:
 
Whether you work it out with your wife or not, the next year or two is going to suck.
 
You’re going to be put through the wringer emotionally, and you’ll need a lot of time to focus on you. Yet, if you’re the chief ballboy and bottle-washer for your business, something’s going to have to give. It could be your mental health, or the health of your business, or … both.
 
So here are three meetings I’d suggest you have:
 
First, sign up to a free Small Business Mentoring Service in your state and get some help setting up procedures and strategies that will allow you to step away from the business when you need to.
 
Second, talk to the NewAccess for Small Business Owners service (1300 945 301). It’s a government-funded program that matches you with a mental health coach (all the coaches are former small business owners, not bureaucrats) who will have really practical ways to help you manage stress and overwhelm.
 
Finally, see a family lawyer – this week –   and explain exactly what’s going on.
 
Good luck.

Scott.