Thirty Years of Marriage Ended in One Minute

Scott,

My husband of 30 years left me in February this year with a one-minute phone call. Throughout our marriage I have been the main income-earner, supporting him through his small business and paying the mortgage and all living expenses. He would give me money here and there. The home is in my name but the mortgage is in both, though he has never paid a cent to it. The house is worth $200,000 with a $150,000 mortgage, and I have other debts that I took out to support him. His parents’ estate was settled in January and he was due to receive over $600,000 in inheritance. It was delayed for a month so that I couldn’t make a claim on it. I’m not being greedy, I just want the mortgage paid out. Do I have a claim?

Carol

Hi Carol,

Your marriage may have ended in one minute, but it sounds like your ex spent many hours planning his departure.

Now you could go to the Family Court about this.

However, a word of warning if you do: the Family Court is a little like a mother at the end of her tether trying to sort out a fight between her kids … everyone gets a clip around the ear!

The Court could look at your husband’s trick of delaying probate on his parents’ estate and order him to give a chunk of it to you. Or, it could order you to pay off the mortgage and transfer the property to him. More likely it will be somewhere in the middle.

So, just like warring siblings, you should do everything you can to avoid being dragged into the fight: because it’s going to be rough … and potentially very, very expensive.

Yet if it does come to that, my advice is the same as rocker Tex Perkins:

“Better get a [family] lawyer son, you better get a real good one.”

Scott.

I Loaned My Friend $500,000 … He Hasn’t Paid It Back

Hi Scott,

About four years ago I trusted a long-time friend enough to lend them over $500,000 to renovate and sell his house. After renovating, he and his partner had a contract signed to sell the house, but it fell through. They couldn’t afford to relist the house, and ended up signing over the house to his brother in return for having a bridging loan paid off. Since then I have had a negligible amount of the money paid back to me. At the time I loaned this money I was in a bad way emotionally and not thinking clearly, so the only evidence I have is my bank statements. I’m still in regular contact with this ‘friend’, and he says he’s intending to pay me back soon, but I’m not seeing any hard evidence. My psychologist suggested I write to you to see what you recommend – so do I try to get my money back?

Michael

Hi Michael,

What a horrible situation to be in!

You must feel a bit taken advantage of … and perhaps a bit powerless.

If I were in your shoes, I’d stop talking to your friend and start talking to a lawyer.

Your lawyer will want evidence of the money transfers (you sending money to him, and the small repayments you’ve received), together with any email or text conversations you’ve had regarding the loan. They may also want a supporting letter from your psychologist.

Then they’ll send them what’s known as a letter of demand, which is exactly what it sounds like: “Pay back the money by a certain date or we will commence legal proceedings.” Ideally, you’d hope to be able to settle this via mediation before going down the costly court route.

Either way, until the money is repaid in full, I’d strongly suggest you do not speak to this person.

Scott.

My Aussie Boyfriend Should Pay For Everything

Dear Moneybags,

I have a boyfriend of a few months who is Australian (I’m Indian) and in my culture it is customary for the man to pay for dinner, or at least ‘do the dance’ and insist that he pays. I am financially stable and can afford dinner but I would at least like the offer. It’s not like he doesn’t pay sometimes, it’s just that when I reach for my phone he doesn’t protest. What should I do to explain that doing the dance is polite where I come from?

Shiraz

Hi Shiraz,

Come on.

It’s just you and me.

You don’t need to play the games with old Barefoot.

It’s not really about the money, is it Shiraz?

It’s that you believe that a man proves that he cares about you by spending his money on you and treating you like a princess.

I’m not saying that’s wrong. It’s just what you believe.

Yet what is wrong is that you’re telling me about it … and not the poor bloke!

He’s wandering around the parking lot looking for a co-share Uber thinking he’s giving you respect and equality … but you’re waiting for the horse-drawn carriage!

When my wife and I began dating, we did this merry-go-round … but in reverse.

I thought I was being chivalrous by wanting to pay for everything.

Yet, as an independent woman, she thought I was a backward country boy (and still does, actually).

We sorted it out, though. We had to. After all, no relationship can thrive if you’re on the wrong bus.

What did we do?

We set up a monthly Barefoot Date Night.

So, Shiraz, if you are serious about this bloke, you need to tell him that’s how you expect love and validation to be shown. Don’t blame it on your culture – and don’t feel shame. Just tell him.

Good luck.

Scott.

So My Husband Spent my Redundancy on Grog

Dear Scott,

I just discovered that my husband of seven years, and the father to my children, has spent half of my $40,000 redundancy on grog and other rubbish. I suppose it’s my fault for trusting this man (a former accountant!) with our family finances. The trouble is, bill-paying gives me anxiety, and I am useless with numbers. I’ve always been ‘kept’. My question is: what’s the best way to set up bill payments and track where our money is going? Feeling very overwhelmed right now.

Renae

Hi Renae,

Let’s flip it.

Your stress and anxiety are coming from doubting your husband, and yourself.

I understand how overwhelming it must be for you right now, so let’s start at the beginning.

Step 1: Schedule a Barefoot Date Night. Bring a copy of my book, or listen to it via audiobook on the way.

Step 2: Set up your buckets. Look at your daily expenses that are going into your ‘Blow’ bucket and see how much, as a percentage of your income, that’s taking up, and go from there. You don’t need to do a spreadsheet. You don’t have to track every last cent. I’ve never had the self-discipline to do it, and I don’t expect you to either.

Step 3: Let me tell you a little secret: it’s not really about the money. Once you get on top of things it’s going to change how you look at your husband, and most importantly yourself.

Scott.

So My Husband Revealed His Debts

Scott,

After I finished your book I asked my husband to come clean on our finances, as we had had separate accounts. And O.M.G. his credit card debts were out of control! I told him “we are a team or it’s over”. Then I got him to read your book. Then I got the kids to read the book (I was honest with them about our finance mistakes). Then we slowly turned our situation around together. We no longer have any murky undertow in our relationship, and we are happily married again. Thank you!

Belinda

Hey Belinda,

That’s epic.

You not only saved your finances, you likely saved something much more valuable: your family. And while I’m handing out the high-fives, good on you for being honest with your kids about your financial mistakes. That’s a teachable moment. I often get parents to blend up their credit cards in front of their kids while they tell them “from now on our family doesn’t do debt”. That’s a powerful visual lesson that helps kids not repeat your money mistakes.

Scott.

I’m Going to KILL him

Scott,

My husband of 12 years finally fessed up. He has been trading crypto coins and has lost $57,000! This was money our family of five was relying on to upgrade from our tiny three-bedroom home. We have always had separate accounts but vaguely knew what each of us was doing. At least I thought I did. I thought he had his money in shares but, unbeknownst to me, he sold them last year and started trading crypto. I cannot believe he’d be so stupid, I just want to KILL him. He thinks the market will come back and wants to hold on. What say you?

Sally

Hi Sally,

A few years ago, I walked into the lounge and noticed red crayon scrawled all over a wall.

“Who did this?” I thundered.

My three-year-old nervously put up her hand and said, “Daddy, I made an ‘uh-oh’.”

At that point I had a choice: I could yell and scream, or I could thank her for being honest and suggest we work together to clean up the mess.

Sally, you are in the same position. Your husband has admitted to making a big mistake playing with the crypto crayons. It’s over, done-ski. The only way to win from here is for you two to clean up the mess together.

(This is one reason I’m not in favour of happily married couples keeping their money separate: you need to be a team.)

My tip?

Don’t invest your short-term savings in the share market or a digital beanie baby – keep it in your savings account.

Finally, if you’re asking me where the crypto market is going, I have absolutely no idea in the short term. Yet I do have a rough yardstick on when we’ll see the bottom:

When Dogecoin is valued at zero.

Woof!

Scott.

Fifty Years of Abuse?

Hi Scott,

My parents are in their 70s and have always had separate accounts. Now that Mum has retired and Dad refuses to, Mum is forced to live way below the poverty line. They own their own home and Dad pays the household bills because he is still working, but it leaves Mum with pretty much nothing. I am afraid this is going to end in divorce, and we know the frightening statistics on elderly homeless women these days. Who can assist them?

Linda

Hi Linda,

Keep an open mind.

Okay, so it could be that your dad is a controlling bastard. If that’s the case your mum won’t end up homeless: she has a claim on the property and any other assets, and a loving daughter to help her.

On the other hand, your father may have contracted ‘chrometophobia’.

A chrome-wha?

It’s a $10 word that basically means ‘having a fear of spending money’.

It’s a condition that affects many older people who are in the process of turning off their income taps for good … and I’ve seen it happen to very wealthy retirees too. So what I’m saying is, don’t write your old man off yet: it may be he’s understandably freaking out about this major life transition.

So what can you do?

I’d encourage your parents to sit down with a financial planner. They can map out their post-retirement investing and spending plan, which will give your father the assurance that he’ll be okay.

Scott.

My Husband’s Secret

Dear Scott,

I’m a 48-year-old pharmacist. I have three children and a wonderful husband. All was rosy, or so I thought. My husband, who works in the finance game, has always taken care of our money. The day before his 50th birthday last week, he dropped a bombshell. Unbeknown to me, he had several credit cards and had not paid our taxes since 2017! The tax bill is now being determined by our new accountant (I fired the old one). And, thanks to our Mojo, we’ve knocked over the credit cards. But it has left me feeling angry and betrayed. My husband is extremely remorseful — he honestly thought he could handle the situation and didn’t want to worry me. Any advice?

Claudia

Hi Claudia,

I have a couple of thoughts.

First, check to see where the money has been going — has he been gambling?

(Don’t take his word for it. Check the statements yourself. If he has been, he has an illness, and you need to talk to Gambling Help pronto on 1800 858 858.)

As far as the tax debt goes, you’ll be able to enter a payment plan without too much trouble. (You can even do it online via MyGov. Your new accountant can help with this.)

Finally, will you be able to trust him with your money again?

Well, only you can answer that.

However, bear in mind that I doubt he did this to intentionally hurt you … it just got away from him.

And he’s obviously been living with the stress of this for a long time, hoping to get back in the black.

One way to rebuild trust is to do monthly Barefoot Date Nights, and another is to share the same transaction account.

These two things help Liz and I stay on the same page financially (while drinking wine and eating garlic bread no less!). It works for us, it may work for you.

Good luck!

Scott.

Can I Block My Husband?

Hi Scott,

I dread my parents passing away! Apart from the emotional devastation, I am petrified about the financial impact the inheritance (built during a lifetime of hard work) may have. I wish to invest it to secure my family’s future, but my husband will want to spend every cent. He refuses to do a budget and will not ditch the credit cards, and I fear this will be another area in life where he will cause havoc. Do I have any right to block him (without divorce)?

Kim

Hi Kim,

Yes, technically, you could block him.

Here’s how:

First, you’d get your parents to set up a three-generational testamentary trust (which means their assets are automatically placed into a trust after they pass).

Second, you’d name a relative -- who is on your side – but independent-- to be the trust executor.

Third, they’d (hopefully!) keep a tight grip on what the trust money gets spent on.

And then you’d all live happily ever after!

Well, actually, let’s role-play this for a second:

You: “I’m getting an inheritance from Mum and Dad, but I’m not allowing you to spend any of it.”

Husband: “Huh? Why?”

You: “Because … I actually don’t trust you with money … you’ll just end up blowing it.”

Stop.

Kim, how do you think the rest of this conversation will play out?

Badly, I’d suggest.

It sounds like you need couple’s counselling to focus on the underlying issues in your marriage.

Regardless, I like the idea of a three-generational testamentary trust, mainly for the flexibility it affords in tax planning. Still, while your parents are getting their lawyers to draft this up, ask them to include a ‘divorce protection trust’ in their wills.

Just in case.

Scott.

Budgeting For Women

Scott,

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your column last week, where you replied to Roseanna, a domestic violence survivor, and provided some really sound advice on how to escape her abusive and controlling partner while still remaining financially safe. I work in the family violence sector and almost every woman I have worked with has a story of an abusive partner incurring huge debts in her name, without her knowledge or consent. And many women, through coercive control, are not able to work and therefore have no access to money, employment, stability or super. So to see some really practical steps written in an empathetic way is heartwarming.

Kate

Hey Kate,

Thanks for the kind words.

Before I began working as a financial counsellor, I often wondered to myself “Why don’t these women just up and leave?”

Then I saw first hand how many women — and their kids — get financially trapped in these dangerous situations.
Helping them find a way out financially is one of the most important things we can do for them — and the effects can last for generations.
That’s what financial counsellors do, and the long-term economic benefits (over generations) make it an incredibly important and wise investment for the Government.

Speaking of which, here’s something interesting:

Right now financial counsellors are sweating on the upcoming federal Budget to finally unveil a sustainable industry funding model to keep us doing this important work. We’re told this budget will have a strong focus on women … so it should be a done deal, right?

Next week is Mother’s Day, so if you have a story about a Barefoot Mum please email me at scott@barefootinvestor.com and I’ll do my best to celebrate them!

Scott.

All I Wanted To Be Was A ‘Good Mum’

Dear Scott,

My husband bailed on me when my son was just 18 months old, leaving me with the most beautiful boy in the wide world but nothing much else. He grew into a teenager but by then things were not going well. One night, I was on the floor gasping from the weight of uncertainty and crushing fear, thinking I might not be able to provide for him, or even to keep our home. All I ever really wanted to be was ‘a good mum’ but I was flattened.

Thankfully, some dear friends gave me your book, and I read the whole thing in a day. I bawled for a good hour at ‘You got this’, then went back to page one and worked through it step by step. Since that time, I have set up my buckets, taken control of the mortgage, paid off my car loan (five years early) and negotiated two payrises. Although our Splurge and Smile buckets are small, we save up for special times together and life is good. So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Your books and advice have changed my life and my son’s life.

Rosie

Hi Rosie,

You did it! You are a good mum!

You may not realise it but, to quote Paul Simon, you’ve got diamonds on the souls of your shoes.

Your struggle is a family legend that has the potential to influence your son’s life for the better.

So, over a Sunday dinner, talk about gasping on the floor, feeling totally defeated … and, importantly, how you rose up. Refer to the struggle and the triumph over and over again.

The subtext to the story is: “We get knocked down, but we get back up again, and we win.”

That’s the stuff your son is made of … and it’s part of his story too.

Scott.

How Can I Escape My Abusive Partner?

Scott,

I am 29 and living with an abusive partner. After years of disinterest, he suddenly wants to ‘go Barefoot’ — now that I have a new job! I am wondering how I can follow my own Barefoot path and still keep money hidden away so I can escape this relationship. Perhaps I should follow your book with my partner AND open another account on the side. Any advice?

Roseanna

Hi Roseanna,

My heart goes out to you — there is no excuse for abuse.

Now, to your question: should you do the Barefoot plan with him?

Hell, yes.

In fact, I want you to take the lead on it. It is, after all, the perfect excuse to get things sorted, without him realising you’re actually plotting your escape.

So, gather up all your financial details: super, debts, savings and bills:

Whose names are they in? Who has the authority on the accounts? Is there any money owing?

Keep copies of everything.

And, most importantly, if you can, do all of this at work … never from home.

Reason being, he may have access to your mobile, your home computer, and probably your snail mail. Worse, on some devices (like Apple) you can be tracked (via the Find My iPhone app), or he may be able to read your text messages on another Apple device (like an iPad).

Bottom line? Protect yourself.

While you’re at work and have some privacy, call the following numbers:

First, call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) for free confidential information, counselling and referrals to other support services.

Second, call your bank’s hardship department (google it). Each major bank has dedicated teams set up for their customers who are experiencing family violence. Ask them to set up an account in your name (with a separate, secure internet banking password), which will serve as your getaway fund.

Third, call the National Debt Helpline on 1800 007 007 and ask for a referral to a free financial counsellor in your area, who can work with you to not only help plot your escape but ensure you have financial security after you leave.

Finally, read Rosie’s story below.

You got this!

Scott.

Barefoot Valentine’s Day

Hello Scott,

Our relationship began in an online Barefoot group about two years ago — and we just got married last month! We are hard-working teachers who enjoy being thrifty. We have an ETF share portfolio and an investment property, and we are enjoying the financial freedom of following the Barefoot Steps.

To be together we have had to contend with personal tragedy, extended border restrictions that separated us for months, and a two-week quarantine. We have also had some unexpected medical expenses in this bizarre year. But the whole time we repeated “We’ve got this!” Our wedding was small, uncomplicated and focused, with the same happiness observed as at weddings that cost 10 times what we spent.

Thanks again, Simon and Michelle

Hi guys,

You made my day.

When I started writing this column, I had no idea it would turn into a community.

Yet, over the past 17 years, thousands of Barefooters from all around the country have read along with the questions in these pages each week. Sometimes they thump the table … shake their head … and ask “how the hell did they get themselves into this mess?”

But every now and again a question pops up that has everybody cheering. And, today, yours is it.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Scott.

Pregnant and Petrified

Dear Scott,

My husband and I have now split our finances because he wants more spending money for himself. The truth is, he has not been making enough to split the bills 50/50, and he always has an excuse to not work full time – headache, toothache, anxiety. I am six months pregnant and due to go on maternity leave, meaning my income will not cover our bills. We have a personal loan in my name for $11,000 and no other debt, but I have no idea what to do anymore to keep myself above water. I’m petrified! What do I do?

Steph

Hi Steph,

I can help you with this.

See, my wife is about to give birth too. However this isn’t our first rodeo … it’s actually our fourth.

And through trial and (many) errors we’ve worked out what we need to do ahead of the baby coming.

It’s actually not unlike preparing for fire season: we know there’s going to be many flare ups over the next 12-months, so it’s important to plan things out before the ‘heat’ of a crying baby, sleep deprivation, and a messy house, come to bear.

For you guys it’s focussing on financial preparation: I want you to sit down together and write out a 12-month budget. If he’s resistant to that, call 1 800 007 007 and get a referral to sit down with a free financial counsellor (they may in turn refer you to someone in the agency who is an expert in budgeting).

Factor in spending at least $3,000 or more setting things up for the baby (though you should get creative and see what you can get as hand-me-downs, or second hand). And work through all your expenses over the next year, and see what you can cut -- and what your partner can add to the equation.

Here’s the truth: When the baby comes out you’ll give it all your emotional energy. The last thing you want to do is add the additional stress of fighting with your partner about money.

So, get this sorted pronto, and buckle up for the ride of your life. You got this!

Scott

Here’s what could happen in 2021

Let’s discuss what could go wrong in 2021, and what you can do about it.

Of course newspapers are chock-full of experts making predictions about “what’s in store for the next year”, so, before I throw my hat in the ring, let me shake the sauce bottle:

How many smart sausages this time last year wrote, “We predict that a pandemic will sweep the planet and lock many of us down in our homes. Our recommendation: stockpile toilet paper in February.”

That’s the err, rub, right?

Well, for what it’s worth, my view is that the next few years could be financially brutal for many businesses, for those workers who are laid off or underemployed, and for retirees who have had their investment income slashed.

However, it’s because of all this misery that things in 2021 could actually get a little … loose.

Here’s the two-hander:

The Reserve Bank has set rates at (effectively) zero to stop you from saving and encourage you to borrow up BIG.

The Government is even attempting to scrap responsible lending laws to get the party in full swing.

Heck, the RBA has given us a timeframe, having all but promised donut rates for the next three years.

What could possibly go wrong?!

Well, lots actually.

Like it or not, we’re living through a giant financial experiment: never has the world had so much debt. Never have interest rates been this low (they’re at thousand-year lows, according to Merrill Lynch).

And so the lesson I’m taking out of 2020, our annus horribilis, is this:

Life is unpredictable.

The truth is we spend most of our lives stressing about things that never happen. And then one day a bat flies the wrong way, and the next day people are going the biff over bog roll.

Think about it: the riskiest things — the ones that knock you on your backside — are often a bolt out of the blue.

For my family it was a fire that burned basically everything we owned.

For others it could be a relationship breakdown. Or an illness. Or an economic meltdown. Or a global pandemic.

So how can you and I prepare for them?

By asking yourself the following questions, today.

Barefoot’s Top Five Questions For 2021

1) “Is my money safe?”

Here’s the bolt out of the blue: you need to access your money quickly, but all your investments have tanked.

If you have money that you need to draw on in the next five years invested in anything other than a bank savings account or term deposit,you may well lose a chunk of it.

Like what?

Like property funds that offer a high rate of interest, or the share market, or cryptocurrency, or any other type of managed investment.

(The share market is not a safe place to hold your money in the next five years. However, it’s arguably the safest place to invest your money over decades, as it will outrun inflation.)

Here’s what you can do about it:

Keep any money you’ll need to spend in the next few years in a bank account (or term deposit) that is covered by the government deposit guarantee (up to $250,000).

Yes, that may sound like overkill, especially with interest rates this low. However, it’s not about the interest you earn (which is pitiful), it’s the sleep-easy factor of knowing you’ve got a backstop. That’s worth more to me and my mental health than any gain I could make in the market.

2) “How long could I last if I lost my job?”

Here’s the bolt out of the blue: your boss calls you into his (virtual Zoom) office on Friday … you’re being laid off.

It’ll never happen to you, right?

Well, I believe the lasting legacy of COVID is to radically change the concept of what we call work.

Think about it: employers have been thrown in the deep-end of the productivity pool this year. Many have had to deal with a reduced workforce who are working from home.

And, now things are getting back to normal, I wonder how many will look at last year and think to themselves:

“Maybe I don’t need all the staff I once had. And, even if I do, if they’re all working remotely … maybe I can hire cheaper workers somewhere else in the world?”

And yet one in five of us Aussies has less than $1,000, according to ME Bank’s latest biannual Household Comfort Report.

Here’s what you can do about it:

Follow the Barefoot Steps; after you’ve set up your buckets, domino-ed your debts and bought your first home (but not yet paid it off), the next Barefoot Step is to boost your Mojo savings to three months of living expenses.

I had a woman write to me in September telling me she thought having three months of Mojo was a total overkill. Yet, when they both lost their jobs, she said, “It was the most important thing in our world. It allowed us to breathe.”

3) “Am I covered?”

Here’s the bolt out of the blue: your house burns down, and you’re not fully covered.

Statistically, if you’re a normal little vegemite you will be underinsured. And the moment you’ll find out is after the fire, or the car accident, or the illness, or … the rats.

(Yes, one of the downsides to living on a farm is rodents. They somehow managed to get into both our cars and eat through $35,000 of interior and electrical work).

Here’s what you can do about it:

Dig out your insurance policies and check what you’re covered for you may need to increase it. If you’re unsure, call your insurer and ask them to review your policy. Life is full of dirty rats, so just make sure you’re fully covered for anything.

4) “Is my partner on the same financial page?”

Here’s the bolt out of the blue: your partner walks out on you.

Relationships Australia tells us the number one reason for relationship breakdowns is fights about money.

Here’s what you can do about it:

The monthly Barefoot Date Night is the cornerstone of my entire plan.

Making a monthly ritual of getting on the same financial page as your partner — and working through the Barefoot Steps — is the most powerful thing you can do to ensure you don’t end up losing half your assets.

If you don’t schedule it, you won’t do it. (We have ours on the first Tuesday of every month, which coincides with the monthly Reserve Bank meeting: how hot is that?)

And remember, money talk goes better with a wine (or taco) in your hand.

5) “If I got hit by a bus, would my family be able to put everything together?”

Here’s the bolt out of the blue: you leave your loved ones with a financial Rubik’s cube of frustration.

Picture your partner (or parents) sitting alone, distraught and grieving, trying to piece together your financial life.

They have no idea how to access your bank accounts, the password to your email and social media, your funeral wishes or even where your will is.

Here’s what you can do about it:

Spend an afternoon getting everything in one place.

At Barefoot we call it the Fearless Folder, and once it’s done you lock it away in a secure safe.

The feedback I get from people who have done it is that it’s Marie Kondo-cathartic to have it all sorted.

What’s more, it’s the final way you’ll say “I love you” to your loved ones.

And there you have it.

Each and every week, I show up and answer your questions.

Yet to really prepare for 2021 you need to ask yourself the right questions, and get the right answers for you.

Tread Your Own Path!

You Kicked Me in the Guts, Barefoot

Scott,

I was really disappointed by your comments last week to Melanie.

While I agree that framing the husband’s gambling expenditure as “what else could that money be used for” was a good idea, the way you said it felt like a kick in the guts to women:
 
“After all, he’s got a 1-in-140 million chance of winning the jackpot … but if he saved up his money and splurged on  a romantic night away with you (without the kidlets) … well, I’ll leave it up to you to explain his odds of hitting the jackpot.”

She is not an object to be bought or gambled upon. You have objectified her and mailed that out to your many followers. Her ‘putting out’ as a reward for attention and money is also playing into an old and damaging trope of women’s power and value only being in the pleasure we provide for men. It stinks of misogyny. You can do better, and Melanie (and the rest of us) deserve better than that.

Sally

Hi Sally

I’m sorry for offending you.

You need to know that you are not alone — I have been offending people for years.

(Recently I was accused of misandry — hating men — so I am at least an equal opportunity offender.)

In fact, these days I often run my column past my wife, just to make sure I edit out, in her words, “the country boy”.

(This one must have slipped through the cracks.)

So here are my thoughts.

One of the most difficult things about being in a relationship is managing money. That’s why I’ve written into my plan monthly Date Nights, so couples can talk about things over a nice meal and a wine and stay on the same page.

Perhaps I should have just said that, and left it at that.

Still, I’m a lover not a fighter, and I’ll gamble (almost) everything for love.

So I’ll just apologise and thank you for writing.

Nor Way! My Mother-in-Law is a Thief!

Hi Scott

We have had a bit of a shocker the past few days. My mother-in-law, who was visiting us from Norway, was arrested for shoplifting. We thought it was all a misunderstanding over a jar of manuka honey but, shockingly, she later admitted it was deliberate as she “didn’t feel like she’s worth much”. She also shared that she had incurred a huge debt (AU$1.7 million) on a bad business deal. She is 54 and is super-fit and organised, but she has not worked full time in a while and her main source of income is renting out rooms in her home, plus government handouts.

With my daughter-in-law hat on, I tried to encourage my husband to get her to see a counsellor. And, with my Barefoot hat on, I suggested she could sell an apartment she has that is worth $1 million. (She refuses to downsize from her main home as she is very attached to it.) Most importantly, I suggested she should get a job — any job! — because, aside from the financial upside, it would give her some purpose and a social life. But my husband tells me “she won’t get her government handouts” if she does. ARGH! What would be your 2 cents’ worth on all this?

Lexie

Hi Lexie,

Oh, I would be staying the hell away from this.

It sounds like your mother-in-law needs to sit down with a counsellor to help with her mental health.

If I were in your shoes, I’d encourage her to make an appointment with her GP, or call Beyond Blue (1300 224 636).

They’re qualified to deal with her situation, and they can refer her to a free financial counsellor.

Just understand that if she doesn’t want to get help then there’s nothing you can do. So, after encouraging her to see a professional, that’s exactly what I’d do: stay out of it, not lend her any money, and support your husband. That’s my 2 cents!

Scott

Help! My Boyfriend is a Swinger

Hi Scott,

My boyfriend is interested in ‘swing trading’. He saw it on Facebook. He says you give them $100 and then you get $1,000 back in seven days. I think it is a scam and not a healthy way to manifest income. However, I have this bias because I hate get-rich-quick schemes. Would you please explain what it is and whether it is worth it.

Belinda

Hi Belinda, I’m with you — it’s a scam.

However, if he’s not going to listen to you then I think it’s worth encouraging him to go through with it.

Think of it this way: your boyfriend will get a real-world, lifelong lesson in greed and stupidity.

And all it’s going to cost him is $100?

Sounds like a good deal to me. Just let him know that I think he’ll probably lose a lot more than $100.

Why?

Well, firstly, because he is GIVING MONEY TO A CRIMINAL.

And, secondly, because the scammers fishing on Facebook may bait their hooks with $100, but their real aim is to reel in thousands of dollars from their victims ... and they’ll use whatever psychological tricks they can to extract more money. They may let him nibble on a bit of shrimp, but he’ll end up in a deep fryer eventually.

Sounds like a swinging good time, right?

Scott

I’m Angry With You, Barefoot

Hi Scott,

Being a Barefooter, I am pretty disappointed with how you treated 22-year-old Tina with her question last week about her boyfriend investing $1,000 on her behalf. You basically ridiculed her. The fact that she took the time to ask for your help speaks volumes, but your reply did not offer one bit of advice on what she should do instead. Hopefully she has not lost her investment so far and may be able to put it into something better, should you advise her what that might be!

Justine

Hi Justine,

A recap: Tina wanted to give her boyfriend a grand of her own dough to invest because “he’d made $1,500 in 24 hours”. Yes, I used her question to make a broader point, namely that the stock market has lately become just another place for many young men to gamble.

However, I’m also sure Tina got the message loud and clear that her boyfriend’s day trading would end up in tears — and, Justine, I think that’s valuable advice (heck, I may have even saved their relationship!).

Okay, given the trouble that got me into, let’s double down and deal with another boyfriend question ...

Scott

Thank God for the Counsellors

Dear Scott,

I just want to encourage you with your financial counselling studies. I left an abusive 20-year marriage and felt the humiliation of going from being a teacher and university lecturer to a shadow of a woman holding up the supermarket queue as I counted coins for groceries. I should have stayed in our house. I should have had my own solicitor for the divorce. I should have made a claim on my ex-husband’s business and super. But I didn’t do any of these things … I was in trauma mode. My life may have taken a different path if I’d had financial counselling at this critical time. I think you are brave for what you are doing, and I wish you the very best.

Sue

Hi Sue,

You totally nailed why I became a financial counsellor.

A lot of my clients have ‘trauma brain’ which affects the financial decisions they make.It can happen to anyone, even educated, highly qualified people like yourself.

And when you fall into hardship, it’s critical there’s someone in your corner batting for you financially.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Scott