My Fiancé Had a Surprise For Me ...

Hi Scott,

First-time caller, long-time listener. In May I was all set to be married to what I thought was a lovely gentleman. I always had a sneaking suspicion that he carried a reasonable amount of debt (due to his lavish spending), but I finally pried it out of him: he owes $107,000 on credit cards! What should he do? What should I do? Can a leopard change their financial spots? I am 39 and was hoping to have a child ASAP!

Mandy

Hi Mandy,

Greetings, and welcome to the Jerry Springer section of my weekly Q&As. Actually, my first thought when I read your question was that you may have been a contestant on Married at First Sight. And I had the same reaction that my wife has when she watches that show (mumbling and shaking the head). Anyway, thank god you found this out before walking down the aisle. Your discovery is a game-changer, for a few reasons:

First, because there’s something off about a bloke who only admits to his fiancé that he’s got $107,000 in credit card debt when he’s pushed. That’s not normal. What other questions should you be pressing him on?

Second, because you’re planning on having children with this guy, so you need him to be a good provider. That’s not being sexist, it’s being a realist. You’re probably going to take time out of the workforce to raise children, so you need to be able to rely on him to provide. Unless he’s earning very good dough, he won’t be able to.

Finally, because he’s a financial loser. That’s not very nice to say, and very judgemental. However, there are two instances when you’re allowed to be judgemental: when you’re watching reality TV, and when you’re choosing a life partner.

Scott

Barefoot, should I call off my wedding?

My column last week -- why engagement rings are a scam (and why you’ll buy one anyway) -- went off like a drunk uncle on the dance floor. I was flooded with emails.

Perhaps it’s because we’re in the peak season for weddings.

Or maybe it’s because it coincided with the finale of The Bachelor, where Richie chose his winning woman. Richie gave us a candid insight into the depths of his love and devotion when he confessed to the media:

“I had the biggest blue balls in Australia.”

What a man! What a catch!Now my older readers may not know who Richie is or, for that matter, what "blue balls" are.

Try googling it.

On second thought, don’t do that. Seriously. You really don’t want to do that.

Instead, let’s shift our attention from contrived reality television to three real wedding emails I received this week -- enough to make the Bachelor look blue.

Should I Call Off My Wedding?

Dear Scott,

I am 28 and getting married in two weeks. I am having doubts about going through with it for many reasons, most of them financial, which is why I am writing to you.

My fiancé is a real estate agent and owns his own agency, which is set up in a trust. There have been instances where employees haven’t been paid. He’s a big talker, which doesn’t go down well with my father, or my brothers, all of whom are tradies.

We bought a home for $1.2 million two years ago, but he borrowed the money, not me. So is the house debt mine as well? He also took out a credit card in my name, without my approval. And there are lease payments on his Mercedes-Benz (I drive a Kia -- but again, do I have to pay?). Please help me! Please don’t publish this!

Lisa*

(*name changed)

Yes, this is a real question … and yes, she didn’t want it published.

So I called her.

Barefoot: “Hi Lisa. Now I’m no Dr Phil, but when a bride-to-be is two weeks out from her wedding and she’s more concerned with her financial exposure than her flower arrangements … well, I think that’s telling.”

Lisa: “Do you think so?”

Barefoot: “Yes, I do think so.”

Lisa: “It’s just that we’ve already paid for everything ... and we won’t get our money back … and everyone’s RSVP’d … and it’s in two weeks!”

Barefoot: “You’re thinking about the next fortnight -- I’m thinking about the next forty years.”

Lisa: “I feel sick.”Barefoot: “This could be the luckiest day of your life.”

Postscript: On Wednesday morning this week I received the following text message from Lisa:

“Thank you for taking the time to call. I really needed to hear your advice. Wedding has been called off. Surprisingly, he took it well! Everyone has been supportive of my decision. Feel free to publish. It could give other people hope if they’re in the same situation!”

One wedding down, let’s go to the next email.

Who Keeps the $11,000 Engagement Ring?

Barefoot,

I just read your article on engagement rings being a rip-off. It was very timely because I certainly got ripped off. I proposed to my girlfriend of three years last November with a 1.2 carat ring which cost $11k. She said yes. Her phone went off one night when she was asleep and, long story short, she’d been banging another bloke! I called off the engagement, but get this, she won’t give me back the ring. Won’t even talk to me. I want the ring back. What can I do?

Ben*

Hi Ben,

Trust me, you don’t want the ring back.

What would you do with it? Give it to your next flame?

As I said last week, the truth is that buying an engagement ring is like buying a new car: the moment you walk out of the showroom, the price drops by 30–50%.

Now, given you were in a de facto relationship for at least two years, the ring will form part of the property division that you may want to pursue legally. The only problem with ‘lawyering up’ is that you could be throwing good money after bad (and money spent on lawyers in a relationship breakdown is almost always classified as ‘bad money’).

Instead, look on the bright side: she cost you only $11,000 (she’ll cost some other dude a lot more than that). You got off lightly. Good on you.(P.S. Tell her it was a cubic zirconia.)

Marriage, Mortgage, Midgets

Hi Scott,

Love reading your column each week! My fiancee is pregnant and we have a wedding coming up, all booked in. We then have less than five months to the birth of our child, plus a large mortgage that we cannot afford on only one income. Is my bank required to freeze my repayments while my fiancee is on maternity leave? I will be asking them either way, but please set my mind at ease. It is almost worth having her fired otherwise!

Terry*

Terry, Terry, Terry.

You really haven’t thought this through, have you, cobber!

What you’re referring to is applying for a ‘hardship variation’ on your home loan. You have the right to apply for a variation, and the bank is legally required to consider your application -- but they don’t have to agree to it.

Even if they do agree to temporarily freeze or reduce your repayments, they’ll get their pound of flesh by extending the loan and adding the interest on the end. It’ll cost you more in the long run. It’s like Usain Bolt sawing off one of his legs so he can compete at the Paralympics. Sure, it’s an option, but what’s the long-term cost?

Relationships Australia says that 80 per cent of relationships that break down do so because of money problems -- and you have more money problems than most. So look at the next five months as your Marriage Olympics: the two of you need to work out a realistic five-year plan. It’ll involve making tough decisions -- the first of which is to cancel your honeymoon. Sing it with me, Terry: “The honeymoon is over, baby, it’s never going to be that way … again.”

There’s No Need for Blue Balls (or Bank Accounts)

Don’t hold out like old Richie. If you’ve got a prolonged state of … monetary tension ... let it out by heading over to AskBarefoot and hit me with your best shot.

Tread Your Own Path!

The dirtiest, slimiest, most heartbreaking scam of them all.

This week, it’s National Consumer Fraud Week.

And today I’m going to talk to you about the dirtiest, slimiest, most heartbreaking scam of them all.

(No, it’s not the Nant Distillery in Tasmania -- although I’ve got my eye on you guys.)

What makes this scam so shocking is that it’s an ‘inside job’. And it happens every single day.

Here’s a real-world example, courtesy of a woman who rang my radio show a few years back:

Woman: “A year ago my mum had to go into a nursing home because she has dementia. She has almost $115k in savings which she no longer has any use for, and I have a son who has just been accepted into acting school in New York.

My siblings and I are wondering what the cost implications would be if we take the money out now and divide it between the family.

Will we pay more tax doing it that way?”

Barefoot: “Can’t you wait until the poor woman dies?”

Woman: “Sorry?”

Barefoot: “You are stealing her money.”

Woman: “No, I’m calling because I want to know about the tax implications of…”

Barefoot: “No, you are stealing her money.”

Woman: “She doesn’t need it.”

Barefoot: “Who says?”

Woman: “I do!”(And with that the woman hung up on me.)

The Worst Scam in the World

Clearly, this woman didn’t feel that she was doing anything wrong.In her mind, she and her siblings were going to get the money eventually … why not just speed it up?

This is known in the industry as ‘inheritance impatience’.

Though I prefer to call it ‘Granny Greed’ (or Grandpa Greed).

“It’s pretty consistent,” says Greg Mahney, the CEO of  Advocare.“Research shows that about 1 in 20 will experience some form of elder abuse, and the most common is financial abuse.”

Though no one really knows the true figure of course.

After all, what parent wants to admit their family are ripping them off?

And sadly, it mostly is family that do the damage: the latest research from Advocare suggests that 89 per cent of perpetrators are family members.

We’re not talking peanuts either. In the 2013-14 financial year, the Elder Abuse Prevention Unit in Queensland uncovered 139 older people who were ripped off to the tune of $56.7 million in total. And that’s just in one state.

Statistics are one thing, but let’s look at three real-life case studies, given to me by Advocare:

Case Study 1:  Down in the Dumpster

An elderly woman lived in a nursing home while her son took care of her home. He got her to sign some paperwork for bills relating to the house, which she did without checking. An aged care advocate drove past her home later that day and saw that her possessions were being thrown into a skip, and a ‘for sale’ sign was placed on her home. He’d had her sign an authority to sell.

Case Study 2: Granny Falls Flat

An elderly woman sold her house and gave the proceeds to her daughter and son-in-law, so they could build a granny flat onto their home, where she could live for the rest of her life. A few years later, the couple divorced and the family home was sold in the separation of assets. It severely limited her aged care options.

Case Study 3: The One-armed Bandit

A frail elderly man living in a retirement home gave his daughter his ATM card to get some basics from the shops. An aged care advocate checked their bank account and found thousands of dollars of unauthorised transactions -- from pokie venues.

Here’s the thing: most of the kids get away with it.

Why?

First, it’s the circle of life (as Elton John sang). Elderly parents often rely on their kids to dish out their pills, feed them, clothe them and drive them around. They rely on them.

Second, they’re coming to the end of their lives and don’t want to harbour a grudge.

Third, there’s the grandkids.

Heavy, huh?

Well, mark my words, this is going to become a much bigger problem, for a few reasons.

The property boom has many oldies living in million-dollar homes while their kids and grandkids struggle under the weight of massive mortgages. Rising superannuation has meant that we’re creating the wealthiest generation to ever retire. And then there’s another boom: it’s predicted that by 2050 in Australia people aged 65 and over will double, and dementia will triple.

So what can you do to protect your ageing loved ones?

Well, on a practical level, you need to ensure that your entire family are on the same page, and that they respect your parents’ wishes -- even if they don’t agree with them.And make sure that  everything is documented with an independent legal expert -- keeping a close eye for the idiot brother-in-law who’s always scratching around with a sob story looking for a ‘loan’.

The other thing to do is appoint two enduring powers of attorney:

One from the family and one from outside the family (preferably a trusted friend or even a lawyer) who doesn’t have dibs on Aunt Mavis’s BHP shares in the will. If they’re appointed jointly, it means they’ll have to make their decisions jointly.

And hopefully they’ll act in the best interest of the person who matters most.

Tread Your Own Path!