A letter from someone on the inside

Every so often an email comes through that punches me right in the guts.

Here is a letter from someone on the ‘inside’.

Dear Scott,

I find myself in an abusive marriage, which has become worse over time. The abuse has been slow, but became drastically worse since our children were born, as I have relied on him more (I’m a stay at home mum).

I didn’t notice the red flags in the early days of dating. My husband can project being a family man and a wonderful husband to the outside world, while I have become a shell of the woman I once was.

He has punched walls, called me crazy and even gets upset at me asking him to pick up groceries. He treats me like an inconvenience. He has multiple online affairs. I am scared of what he’ll be like as our children get older. There are behaviours that he does with our kids that don’t sit right with me, but I feel powerless to stop it.

My husband significantly out earns me and would even if I had a job. He has a much better education than I do. He is also more intelligent and charismatic. I am too scared to leave because of the financial implications on my kids. My parents have told me they can’t provide any assistance or accommodation for me and my kids. I don’t want them to go hungry or end up in dangerous accommodation situations.

Anonymous.

Heavy, huh?

Let’s discuss two super-practical things to take from this letter.

First, women don’t consciously decide to shack up with abusive psychopaths, much less have kids with them. Like this woman says, she ‘missed the red flags in the early days of dating’.

So let me give you a red flag.

Before you have kids, grab my book and start doing the Barefoot Date Nights with your partner. The very first step encourages you to share your basic day-to-day spending money. If your partner flat-out refuses, that’s a red flag you probably want to talk to your mother (or best friend) about.

Reason being, as this woman says, ‘the abuse has been slow, but has become drastically worse since our children have been born, as I have relied on him more’. Stay-at-home mothers are selfless, and they often not only lose part of their identity, they also lose their income, and that can put them in a vulnerable position.

Second, women don’t consciously stay with abusive psychopaths, much less subject their kids to an abusive household. They stay because the constant abuse shatters their self-confidence, and they believe they are financially trapped. As this woman admits, “I’m a shell of the woman I once was”.

So here’s a way to slowly rebuild your confidence.

Take back control of your situation by calling 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), and speak to a family violence expert. Even if you’re not ready. They’ll take you through your options. Here’s one thing I’ve learnt as a financial counsellor: when you walk out one door, five new doors open. There are amazing people willing to walk alongside you, and they’re on the other side of that door, waiting.

Tread Your Own Path!