What you’re about to read is going to get me into trouble

What you’re about to read is going to get me into trouble.  
 
So I’m going to cut to the chase: to all the marketing managers of the products I’m about to mention, please email my assistant: idontcare@barefootinvestor.com 
 
When I was a kid, I used to try and hide my school report from my parents, hoping they’d simply forget (this was in the days before email, and helicopter parenting).
 
Yet my plan was always foiled by my older sister, who was the dux of her class, and waited in anticipation all year for her brief bath in the parental sunshine.
 
Mole.
 
Well, the Government just released a (long, confusing, boring) report card on your super fund card - it’s called the APRA External Report (www.apra.gov.au), and the worst super funds are hoping that you never read the report.
 
So let’s dig in.
 
OnePath was like my Year 8 report card: a total and utter sh…earing show (as my father would say). OnePath was singled out by the regulator for having no less than 33 dud super funds.
 
Thirty-three!
 
OnePath was joined in veggie maths by BT Funds Management, Colonial First State, Auscol (Mine Super), Perpetual Super, MLC Super – whose report cards revealed “significantly poor performance”.

Some of the funds that were singled out for charging high admin fees include Verve Super (who market to women), Spaceship Super (who target millennials), Student Super (who need a detention), and the ironically named Cruelty Free Super (well, except for their barbaric admin fees).
 
And last but not least, Equity Trustees appear to be really struggling with their pencil grip, after being singled out by the regulator for both high fees and poor returns.
 
Am I being too harsh?
 
I don’t think so.
 
There is currently around $10 billion of our retirement savings sitting in underperforming funds. Many of them are not taking on new customers – because, well, who the hell would actively choose to join them?! However, they’re still more than happy to continue milking their existing customers with high fees and/or poor performance.
 
Why?
 
Because, unlike their customers, the people that run the funds are making seriously good profits!
 
Their only way of keeping this going is to hide their report card, and hope you forget to ask.

Don’t let them.
 
Tread Your Own Path!