One of the Most Shocking Emails From a Reader, Ever

A couple of months ago, I received one of the most shocking emails from a reader, ever:

Cancer Stricken Single Mother ... Lends a Hand

Hi Scott,

I’m in my 50s and have just battled cancer. I foolishly helped out my partner with $112,000 in credit cards that he put in my name over a 10-year period. Now I've beat cancer, I want to fix this up. I have consolidated against my home to lower the massive credit card repayments. My partner isn't repaying the loan but instead wants me to buy a bigger home for us both. With 80 per cent debt now against my place, I can't see this happening. Should I sell up and buy cheaper?

Tina

The guts of my response to Tina was: “If you were my sister, I’d be telling you that before we sort out your finances, there’s one more cancer you need to beat: your partner.”

But I couldn’t just do that, so I called Tina later that week and offered to help her personally -- on one condition: that she throw this scumbag out on his ear. But she said she wasn’t prepared to do it.

That was six weeks ago.I have over 10,000 questions sitting in my inbox, so I archived it (physically and mentally) and moved on.

And then today, as I was sitting in front of my computer checking the share market, I got a telephone call from a number I didn’t recognise.

Barefoot: “Ello?”

Caller: “You said you wouldn’t help me until I kicked the financial cancer from my life. Well, I have. So I’m asking for your advice.”

Barefoot: “Go on.”

It turns out that Tina’s partner -- who I’d love to name -- is a dog.

Not only did he rack up $112,000 in credit cards in her name while she battled cancer.

Not only did he refuse to pay back the credit card debt, he asked her to buy him a bigger home.

And all the while he was cheating on her.

“He was always very secretive when it came to money … but now I know that’s not all he was hiding,” she told me.

Australia’s $11 Billion Dirty Secret

That’s all a bit heavy, right?

Well, it turns out Tina’s not dancing in the dark. Plenty of people are hiding their spending from their partners.

This week a survey by Finder.com.au found that the average Aussie spends $2,713 per year on hidden expenses -- ones they don’t tell their partner about.

Interestingly, the survey found that men spend more than three times as much on secret purchases than women -- $4,596 per year compared to $1,476 per year. It also found that the the number one guilty spending pleasure for blokes was vices like gambling (uh-oh), followed by adult entertainment (oh-kay).

Women are a bit more restrained -- the survey found they are more than twice as likely to hide clothing purchases than men. Big surprise!

Sometimes I wonder about these surveys, so this week I decided to do my own research -- and actually got a higher number of responses than the original survey, over a thousand people. Roughly 60 per cent of my audience said they’d never dream of hiding their spending from their partner.

Of those who did own up to secret spending, my favourite comments were:

“A vet bill for $1,000 … for my rabbit.”

“I bought a Porsche 911 off a friend and told the wife I was looking after it for him ... I had to admit to it after about six months.”

“A horse. In fairness I did ask, he just wasn't listening properly and I knew it, so took advantage of that. He saw it in the paddock when I brought it home.

Apparently the trick is to have at least six horses of the same colour -- that way you can keep adding and non-horsey husbands can’t tell!”

You Can’t Keep a Spending Secret

Really, there are really only two reasons that you’ll go behind your partner’s back and secretly buy stuff.

The first reason is that you’re married to a control freak who watches over their money like Clive Palmer watches over a plate of chicken wings.

Oftentimes, the controlling -- sorry ‘money minded’ -- person will ration money out and force their partner to justify every dollar they spend.

This type of relationship is more common than you’d think, and it often rears its ugly head when a woman is at home on maternity leave. The woman reverts to being a teenager, having to ask their partner for money. Throw in sleep deprivation, a teething baby and mortgage repayments, and you’re on Jerry Springer.

That’s why, for the sake of our marriage, my wife Liz and I manage our money as a team effort.

We share the same bank account.

We agree how much is paid into it, after we’ve filled our other ‘Mojo’ and ‘Grow’ wealth buckets.

And most importantly, we have an agreement that we can each of us can spend $400 on whatever we choose. No need to ask for permission. Anything over that we talk about, and make a joint decision.

(And that’s a good thing. Personally, I am deeply offended by how much her hairdresser charges. My hairdresser hasn’t changed his ‘$20 short back and sides’ pricing in 14 years. Though, admittedly, she looks a lot better than I do.)

The second reason someone acts behind their partner’s back is simple: they don’t share their partner’s values. Sadly, it took Tina 10 years and $112,000 to work that out.

Tread Your Own Path!