My latest phone trick

Liz walked into the bedroom with tears in her eyes.

I glanced up at her and my heart went into my mouth: she was waving a stick at me with two lines.

“You’re pregnant?! Again?!” I screamed.

“No, I have COVID!” she screamed back.

“Oh, well thank god for that” I said, visibly sighing.

(Which in hindsight was not the response she was looking for at that moment.)

Little did we know, the next week was about to get much worse.

That’s because everyone in our family got struck down … well, except me.

What are the chances?

By Wednesday I was strutting around like I’d won first prize on Survivor. Liz had a hunch and suggested I get some ‘proper testing’ at a drive-through.

So I did.

After a long wait, I wound down my window, took off my mask, and smiled at the nurse.

“What brings you here today?” she asked politely.

And then she threw herself back from my car and started screaming at me to close my window.

I could see the terror in her eyes as I madly fumbled to close my window.

At that point one of her colleagues ran to her aid, and then she too started screaming at me.

For the next 15 seconds it was total pandemonium. I had no idea what was going on because (a) my window was up, and (b) they were both screaming and pointing at me from behind their face masks and visors.

Did I have a new super-weird mutating variant?

What the hell was getting these two so steamed up?

And then I saw it:

A giant huntsman crawled down from the roof of my car to my window, then back on to the roof.

“I’m sorry, I have a spider phobia” said the nurse, her eyes darting frantically around the roof of my car.

The poor woman was terrified. As was I. After all, it’s not the calmest set-up for someone who’s about to push a stick up your nose and down your throat.

Of course, she’s not the only one who’s been getting the shakes lately … investors have been seeing a hairy huntsman or two crawling around their stock portfolios, with the market falling in January.

So is this the start of a major sell-off … or just a temporary blip?

You’ve probably got a hunch.

So, given it’s my first week back, let’s test your gut:

Where do you think housing, shares and Bitcoin will be at the end of the year?

(For reference, last year housing was up 22%, Aussie shares were up 16% last year, yet fell by roughly 5% in January, and the price of Bitcoin is currently US$38,000).

It’s easy to be a hero in hindsight (“I knew 2022 was going to turn out like that”), much tougher to do it in real time.

So, take out your phone and read this script:

“Hey Siri/Hey Google/Hey FBI,

“On the first of January 2023, at 8am, remind me of the following predictions I made today:

“Aussie shares will go up/down XXX%.

“The Aussie housing market will go up/down YYY%.

And Bitcoin will be trading at $ZZZ.”

Go on, do it now!

Postscript: after a very long week, the family was raring to get out of isolation and head to the beach for a holiday. Just to be sure I took a RAT test. Bad news. I was pregnant.

What are the chances?

Tread Your Own Path!