You are in a lot of trouble

After hours of crying, our baby finally dropped off to sleep in his mother’s arms ...

… and then her phone rang.

The noise startled our son, and he began wailing.

“ANSWER IT!” she thundered at me.

I dived on her phone and shepherded it out of the bedroom.

“Hello?” I whined.

“A warrant has been issued for your arrest. Press 1 immediately”, said the recorded message.

I was so sleep deprived that I complied, and was promptly transferred to a human.

“We have found a discarded rental car with 20 pounds of cocaine, fraudulent bank statements, and bloodstains on the seats — the car was rented in your name,” announced the man on the end of the line.

“Who is this?” I yelled.

“My name is Richard Solman. I am an Australian Federal Police Officer. My badge number is 78291. Write that down. Your case number is 4859885. Write that down, too. You are potentially in a lot of trouble”, he warned.

For the next few minutes our conversation reminded me of those I’ve had with my three-year-old when it suddenly dawns on her that her brothers are gone and she has my full undivided attention ... so she keeps the story going on, and on, and on, and on ...

Then Richard went in for the kill.

He reminded me that the call was being recorded, and then asked for my ID.

And after I’d given him my (fake) details, he announced that I’d been a victim of identity theft.

“How much money do you have in your main account, Mister Tape?” he asked.

“I have $13,823”, I said precisely.

This got Richard audibly excited.

“I’m sorry to say that your accounts and your tax file number are compromised. All that money is at risk. We think it could be an inside job … a staff member from the ING bank”, said Rich.

Next, he ordered me to get in my car, drive to my nearest bank branch and transfer my money into what he called a ‘safe’ AFP account for 48 hours … while they got to the bottom of the case.

And all the time I was thinking to myself, “Who would ever fall for this rubbish?”

The correct answer, of course, is “enough people to make it more than worth their while”.

(Generally the most vulnerable people in our society — those with mental health issues and the elderly, who can be confused and intimidated. Last year Aussies lost $36 million from spam calls.)

Hold the phone! Here’s my take:

Twenty-five years ago, the internet lowered the cost of sending spam emails to practically zero. And our inboxes got hammered. Well, for a while, that is, until email providers created spam filters to shield us from the 320 billion junk emails sent each day.

Yet the scammers have now doubled down.

Technology has now lowered the cost of calling to basically zero, and spoofing technology makes it look like they’re calling you from a local number. Which explains why Richard and his mates are just so damn busy. They’re making 500 million spam calls around the world each day.

Yet telcos are busy building the phone version of spam filters (with a nudge from the government). Telstra says it’s blocking up to 500,000 spam calls a day.

My prediction?

Spam calls will soon be as rare as spam emails in your inbox.

Until then … if anyone rings you up with a warrant for your arrest, and asks about a discarded rental car with 20 pounds of cocaine, fraudulent bank statements, and bloodstains on the seats ...

Just press 1 … and tell them it was Mister Tape.

Tread Your Own Path!